


Harry Potter's Majestic Diary

by totally_legit_banana



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-08-03 16:43:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16329785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/totally_legit_banana/pseuds/totally_legit_banana
Summary: Harry Potter's raging inner monologue.Have y'all read Thorin Oakenshields Majestic Diary? This is basically that, but with the Harry Potter storyline and characters. I've been toying with the idea for a while but never did anything because it would a. not be an original idea and b. I'm currently writing a long fic. Then I decided fuck it? May as well write a chapter and see how if goes? I think I may write this on the side, it was really fun. Every chapter would correspond with a chapter in the book.





	1. The Vanishing Glass

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fruitsie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fruitsie/gifts).



Saturday 23rd June, 1991.

 **7:38am** Am resisting urge to brain self against wall. After having had a rather delicious dream, one where I’d been sitting atop a flying motorbike, my wart of an aunt had decided to wake me up at the ass crack of dawn to make breakfast. Must go make bacon now. Fun.

 

 **8:06am** The meat sacks enjoyed breakfast. I think I am getting the hang of this cooking thing. One of these days I will slip laxatives into their tea.

 

Presents for Dudley cover every inch of the living room. Secretly slip one into my pocket.

 

 **8:32am** Dudley is trying to count his presents. Smart one, he is. Am wolfing down the bacon before Dudley’s brain explodes with the strain of adding 2 to 37.

 

 **8:35am** Ms Figg has broken her leg again. This means I will have to hang out with Dudley today. Am not looking forward to it.

 

 **8:39am** Briefly wonder how Ms Figg broke her leg. 

 

I decide it was a cat.

 

 **8:43am** Dudley is crying. One of these days I will shove a fork up his nostril. One of these days.

 

 **9:17am** Am currently en route to the zoo. I have been secretly farting for the past three minutes.

 

Smile to myself as Dudley starts sniffing the air suspiciously.

 

 **9:24am** Mention my motorcycle dream. Uncle Vernon freaks. Perhaps he is afraid of motorcycles. Dudley’s friend Piers laughs at me.

 

Toy with the idea of shoving a fork up Piers nostril too.

 

 **12:31pm** Am currently talking to a snake. It blinks as I ask it questions. Do not stop to think how the snake is talking to me.

 

Dudley has seen that the snake is moving, he is coming over.

 

 **12:34pm** Have been shoved to the floor. My ass cheeks will throb this night.

 

 **12:37pm** Snake escapes enclosure. The glass has mysteriously vanished. Does glass do that a lot? Make a mental note to stop talking to snakes.

 

 **3:47pm** Uncle Vernon didn’t like the disappearing glass. Am currently locked in my cupboard. Every now and again Dudley comes thundering down the steps and I worry the stairs will cave in.

 

Friday 28th June

 **7:47pm** Have been shut in the cupboard for nearly a week. Have spotted several spiders in my bed.

 

Wednesday 4th July

 **3:48 pm** Currently still in cupboard. Am beginning to wish the stairs will cave in on me. I have started playing chess with myself.

 

Sunday 14th July

 **5:41am** Was rudely awoken this morning by the rumbling of my stomach. Those spiders are looking mad tasty.

 

Monday 23rd July

 **1:39pm** Have finally been let out of the cupboard. Immediately run outside to breath in the fresh air. Am very tempted to climb a tree.

 

 **1:43pm** Catch a neighbour staring at me as I run in circles. Try to play it off cool and slink back inside.

 

 **1:45pm** Have not played it off cool. Neighbour still staring as I peek at her through the curtains.

 


	2. The Letters From No One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the letters from no one? incomplete

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay I'm literally probably never going to continue this so enjoy these 3 pages I wrote before stopping

Tuesday 24th June, 1991  
9:38am Walked into the kitchen this morning to see Dudley scratching his ass and then sniffing his fingers.

God I love that guy.

 

9:47am Briefly reminisce on my brutal insult the other day.

“They stuff people’s heads down the toilet first day at Stonewall, want to come upstairs and practise?” Dudley dearest had said.

“No thanks. The poor toilet’s never had anything as horrible as your head down it, it might be sick,” I had brutally replied.

Geddit? Because, because he wanted to shove my head down? But I switched it? Geddit, geddit?

God I’m awesome.

 

12:39pm Am currently at Mrs Figg’s place. Turns out she did break her leg on one of the cats. 

Figures.

She has given me a piece of chocolate cake and is letting me watch TV.

 

12:43pm Secretly feed a cat some cake.

Mrs Figgs being surprisingly nice. She won’t stop offering me cake, though.

 

4:18pm Got back from Figg’s place a few hours ago. I have eaten nearly double my weight in cake. Dudley and Petunia due home any minute.

Ah, the doorbell has just rung. Hope it’s not Mrs Figgs.

 

4:19pm It’s not Mrs Figgs, it’s Dudley and oh god what is he wearing. Maroon tailcoat, orange pants, and a flat straw hat. Within a few seconds I am crying from the strain of trying not to laugh.

Dudley parades around the living room, waving a stick in the air.

A stick.

 

4:22pm “Proudest moment of my life,” Uncle Vernon says gruffly, gazing at Dudley with his beady eyes.

Must. Not. Laugh.

 

4:23pm Currently on the brink of having an aneurysm. Sharp pains in my chest indicate severe rib trauma.

Must. Not. Laugh.

Dudley still parading, I silently leave the room to take some deep breaths in the hallway.

 

Wednesday 24th July  
10:42am Terrible smell coming from the kitchen. Going by my acute sense of smell, it’s either a dead rat or a dead baby.

Or Dudley.

 

10:44am It’s neither. It’s a bundle of rags floating in mystery liquid, which according to Petunia is my new school uniform.

Didn’t realise it had to be so wet.

 

10:58am Out of the good nature of my heart, I offered to get the post this morning. In other words, I decided to go after Dudley hit me with his new favorite stick.

Sigh as I rub the bruise forming on my arm.

I bend over to pick up the post by the door, hitting my head on the doorknob in the process. By the end of this day I will just be one giant bruise.  
I rifle through the letters, absentmindedly reading the names of the senders, when suddenly, I see a letter with my name on it.

Huh. That’s new. Briefly wonder whether it’s junk mail before I turn it over and read the address label.

Mr H. Potter  
The Cupboard under the Stairs  
4 Privet Drive  
Little Whinging  
Surrey

Well that’s…… Creepy.

 

11:00am There was no stamp on the letter, and no return address either.

Who the fuck?

 

11:02am Within seconds of stepping into the kitchen, uncle Vernon has already ripped the letter out of my hands.

Rude.

What’s his deal anyways?

 

11:03am Petunia looks like she’s having a stroke. After having been shown the letter, she immediately turned stark white and made several strange choking noises.

Wow. Is the idea of someone writing me a letter really so crazy? Must find a quiet place to cry.

Uncle Vernon kicks us out of the room so that he and Petunia can argue in peace. Dudley and I silently fight for the rights to listen at the keyhole.

When did my life become like this.

 

11:05am Briefly wonder what was in the letter.

Hope it wasn’t an erotic picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> check out my mindreader story

**Author's Note:**

> ALL CREDITS TO FRUITSIE who practically i copied the idea from. What? It's a good idea.
> 
> If you haven't already PLEASE read Thorin Oakenshields Majestic Diary. It is seriously the funniest thing I've ever read.
> 
> If you like it please comment? It will never be as good as the original but I hope it's kinda enjoyable to read


End file.
